This I Believe…
Love a simple four-letter word when spelled out on paper. However, the simplicity of its spelling by no means reflects what love really is. Even though everyone has their own view on love, we can all agree that it is powerful. However, I believe there is something much greater than love.
My sister Tanja is one of the people I love and miss the most. We were close. Just like any other siblings, we had our feuds, but we could never stay mad at each other very long because we were best friends. There were two years between us but our personalities complimented each other, much like night and day.
My sister spoke her mind while playing things safe, where I am quiet but not afraid to take risks. The two of us together were a perfect dynamic duo. Anything seemed possible.
She had epilepsy, which is a neurological disorder that caused her to have seizures in her sleep. It ended up taking her life at the age of seventeen. January 12, 2011 is the day I lost my sister and my best friend, the person who I loved the most. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I miss her.
We discovered that Tanja had seizures when she was ten years old while our family was taking a trip to California to see the birth of my stepsister’s second child. My dad, step mom, stepbrother, oldest stepsister, two-step nieces, step nephew, my sister and I all drove up for the occasion. The first night was a miserable one. Looking out the window of the motel it looked like we never left Washington as the raindrops poured down from dark rain clouds. Exhausted from the long drive we decided to call it a night resting up for the day to follow.
I remember waking up next to my dad sitting on top of Tanja slapping her and yelling “Wake up. Wake up!” My stepmom told him he needed to stop, just let her have the seizure but make sure Tanja did not bite her tongue. She then ran to the front desk to call for an ambulance. By this time, I was off the bed standing out of the way petrified crying. I felt hopeless watching my sister’s body twisted in various ways as my dad held her until finally the episode ended. When the paramedics arrived, they loaded her into the ambulance not yet fully conscious, with my dad and stepmom crawling in to sit beside her.
Later that morning we received a phone call that all was well and that they had to explain to Tanja why she was at the hospital because she did not know what had happened. They told my dad when we went back to Washington that they need to make an appointment for her to see a neurologist to learn if she had epilepsy or if the seizure was just brought on by stress.
After several doctors visits they finally put my sister on medication because she continued to have seizures. They told us she may eventually grow out of them, and until then she should just keep taking her prescribed medication. The doctor never made it sound like it was anything to worry about, so we never thought much about how serious seizures could be. My sister was not very good at remembering to her medication so we constantly had to remind her. However, we reminding her did not guarantee that she would take them. Looking back now, we regret not learning more about seizures and making the doctors inform us better. Maybe, we would of stressed the importance of her taking her pill and made sure actually took it.
The day I found out of my sister’s passing started just as any other day. My dad left for work in a rush and I slept through my alarm missing my first class but luckily made in time for my next one. Afterwards, I headed to Wal-Mart to pick up some school supplies along with a lunch for work. When I got home, I noticed her car was parked, which was unusual, because she normally helps manage her high school wrestling team after school. Since there was snow on the ground, I figured they canceled practice. I had a few hours to kill before work and I was going to discuss our movie plans for the weekend, but then changed my mind at the last minute when I arrived just outside her door. I knew she liked to take naps so I decided against it, not wanting to disturb her. Without a second thought I decided to wait until I saw her again.
It is little before 8:30 in the evening when one of my staff members came up to me tell I needed to go home because I have a family emergency. I immediately panicked because I knew it had to be serious for them to call me at work. When I called my mom, she would not tell me anything but say wait at work until my grandparents arrived to pick me up. Just before hanging up she told me “Be strong”. I was already in tears when my grandma got out and told me “Your sister is dead”. It is then my life just stopped. Nothing seemed real as I just sat in the car and cried. I felt twelve again as the trip to California flashed through my mind briefly.
When we reached my dad’s house, there were many people standing around crying. It is then I learned that my sister died in her sleep and my dad found her after work. He went into the house and checked our phone messages. We received one from the school saying Tanja never showed up for class, which was not like her at all. Therefore, after listening to the messages, he went into her room to see what was going on and that is when he found her. My heart just sank because I was home all that time earlier and I did not know.
My sister’s death has caused me to stop and re-evaluate the way I live my life. Before I was afraid to show my emotions, and communicate them to others very well. Now I am in the process of learning how to change that. I used to think love was the most powerful feeling a person could experience, but I have learned otherwise.
My sister’s favorite author John Green once said: "You can love someone so much... But you can never love people as much as you can miss them." I believe this.
Tanja being gone has made me realize the time spent with her was precious. All the shopping trips, car rides, inside jokes, and conversations we had are now memories that I hold dear to me. No one can ever replace the void I now feel without her presence. Missing someone may just be a stronger from of love. I loved my sister more than anything when she was alive, but it was nothing compared to how much I miss her now.
Check Out: I Still Believe - Frank Turner
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